THere’s so much I feel I need to tell you. I don’t know where to start. There wasn’t any life altering happenings today–but I was busy.
I suppose first I should say that I had one of those moments today. That moment when I think about how we used to be, how you affected me. I was driving to the middle school for my observation and a song came on my CD. I think it was Fallin’ For You by Colbie Caillat. In the second verse she sings about dancing and my soul shook. I physically reacted, recoiled at the memory of you and I so close. I remembered how much I had wanted you then, briefly wondered if you had felt the same.
Not though I remember that hours later you and I were lying on your bed and I knew at that moment you weren’t in it as much as I was.
Pins and needles attacked my skin and you were too tired to talk. The urgency I felt was not within you.
Boy could you dance. You made me want to be better–I wanted to impress you. But those moments in which you told me I was thinking too much–a kind pice of advice to most, never really helped, it only made me more critical of myself.
I never wanted our dancing to be prefect, messing up was half the fun–if only we could have laughed about it more.
I guess the dancing was some kind of metaphor for us though. You always telling me to not think so much, me on edge to be good enough. Not enough laughing over our mistakes, but there were moments of beauty too, especially at first.
There were times when we were so in sync. I just, miss that.
Today while at the middle school, any 8th grader inspired me. She is an aspiring photographer and she showed me her website. She is extremely talented. It challenged me to do something about my art. I went back to that blog I had created last summer and hadn’t touched since August.
I had forgotten that I still followed your happiness blog. You had made several updates since I was on last. You posted one day in December. The title was “Tell Them ‘I Love You'”
I’m no longer foolish enough to blindly assume you were thinking of me when giving this advice. For the most part, I agreed with what you said. If you love someone, you should tell them.
The problem I face appears in your closing quote by Little Manhattan which states…
“Suddenly I knew what I had to do. Love isn’t about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love I about finding courage inside of you that you didn’t even know was there.”
I didn’t fall for you because of any grand gestures or world-wide announcements. It was in the late night calls just to say goodnight. It was in the handwritten letters of the platypus you made me–the heart on its fin.
I thought for a long time that big actions were love –chalk it up to Disney and literature influencing the ideal. I wanted a knight in shining armor, but looking back not only on how I feel for you, but how I’ve fallen for any guy, it was always the little things that I loved and cherished the most. I don’t want the bells and whistles. I want the real thing, so I can trust it.
Life is not like the movies–I don’t want it to be because when it comes down to it, life is so much better. We fall in love because of the little things so we should express out love through them too.
But I know how you are so you’ll probably fight me on this. It’s one of those things that separates us I suppose. I don’t know what to do about that.