I’ve spent the better part of the last three weeks arguing with the music on my ipod and spent the rest of it praying that the battery would die right after Portions for Foxes had reclaimed my self-confidence to miss you and before Gravity could pull me down into a funk of the acutest regret-both great songs, though altogether so in tune with you I might have to change the keys.
I was using the music to crawl back inside you-or at least the parts of you that I still had the chance to cling to since you disappeared from everywhere except my own head, but that’s where you’ve always lied, feet tangled up in mine and quiet air escaping your lips. Too far away to touch, too close for me to comprehend. I occupied my hands trying not to change the songs as they went idly by on shuffle. The parts of me I wished to give you, but kept locked up inside struggled to be Free, knowing that you’d only throw it in my face that I even took the time to mourn you. My mind was still to the playlist my ipod insisted-Throw Me a Rope fades as the World Spins Madly On and the wilting butterflies in my stomach became unsettled In Your Atmosphere.
You entrenched the soundtrack in my head, waltzing in and out, but mostly in- just to torment the shoulda coulda wouldas of my heart. I’ll admit that I was running. For so long I chased after you, hoping this could be a start. I got my hopes up. I went after what I wanted. Isn’t that what you always said to do?
Songs continue to invade my mind, knowing from the beginning you were never mine to have-yet wanting you anyway. Desire is a tricky thing. So apparently is honesty. Sympathy dragged me down, aware that you had none for me. I still love to hate how Everything Changes reminds me of how you never really said goodbye.
You’ve got me stuck in The Saltwater Room containing all my misery. I’m sure that you believe that’s where I belong, and it’s possible that I agree. And I can’t help that Maybe, given time you might forgive me for the things you never let me say, the facts you never asked to hear before you left me to Cry for You. Because I did-the instant that you left.
Our opinions on the matter may be different-but I’ll agree to disagree on how we end. I still love you, even though you may want me to burn in hell. Just so you know, with everything we’ve been through, one fact remains true…I Will Follow You into the Dark.