I can imagine being about forty, and looking for him again and turning up and he’s settled and he’s got a beautiful wife, and some beautiful kids, and he’s completely happy and I’m still on my own.

-Adele

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My Ruination

Note: There are pieces of you in this, and pieces of others too.

I can’t go outside in the rain anymore,
at least not with an umbrella.
It can be a torrential downpour,
and I’ll get soaked to the bone
just so the image of us kissing
under the shelter
of that absurdly bright green umbrella
doesn’t pop into my mind.

midnight runs to Wendy’s just for fries.
Hours staring at the starry sky.
the favorite color question.

I anticipate the feeling
of your presence on my mind.
at every corner that I turn
(It happens all the time)

You always loved my hair
fistfuls of curls
and even though you’re gone
I still can’t bare to cut it off
It’s perpetually tangled now.

I don’t listen to music anymore.
every song reminds me of you
and so I live in silence.
No Jimi, Paul, Joplin or Simon.
Hair bands are definitely out.
Don’t even get me started on No Doubt.
(That never made sense anyway)
But what I’ll miss most…
Death Cab, Feist, Good Old War
Your weird obsession with Barenaked Ladies.
Your absurd interpretation of NSYNC
and I’m still waiting for the day
when the opening notes of Owl City
won’t make me hear your name

You taught me how to love music
how to feel it in my soul
and dance
(oh how you and I would dance)
and no one moves as good as you
so I guess you ruined that too.

Ice cream doesn’t taste as good
even compared
to when you smashed it in my face
and that one sunrise we spent on our hill
takes my breath away still
That was my favorite time of day

Barnes and Noble. Village Inn.
Iron Man.
That calm summer time feeling
just after dusk
when the crickets chirp happily

And with odds like this
it’s unlikely that I’ll avoid the inevitable.
Please Please Please.
I hope you didn’t ruin love for me.

Out of My System

I love you.
I hate you.
I cannot stop thinking about you.
And it hurts.
Because I know you’re not thinking about me.

I want you.
I need you. (oh baby oh baby)
It’s upsetting how much.

Get out of my head.
Please.
Before you drive me insane.

Because I don’t want to want you.
To need you like it seems I do.
It doesn’t get me anywhere.

It’s a fucking vicious circle.

What’s so bad about wanting to be free?
Free of this hold you have on me.

I’m just so over this feeling.
I refuse to be stuck on you
Waiting for you

GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR.

I’m just so frustrated
There’s nothing I can do
And I’d just love some peace within my soul

A moment of stillness
So I’m not so restless
Because I can’t run after you
I can’t keep up with you

For fear that I’ll get lost.
So lost in you.
That’s all I ever wanted to do.

But no, I shouldn’t do that.
There’s so much I cannot say
And I won’t try it anymore.

I’m done. I’m out.

My heart is looking to be open
But not looking for what isn’t there
Because that’s always been my problem

And I have to let go of fantasies
Wishful thinking
And hopeless imaginings
I have to let you go

And that hurts more than you could ever know.

I don’t want to do it.
You seem so perfect in my mind
But you’re just an image

I just don’t understand you
Cannot comprehend my feelings for you
And so I’ll lay them to rest
At least temporarily to figure out myself

That’s what I need to do,
Focus on me
And what it’s like without you
On my mind

I’m surely not on yours.

Though if you ever find the time
To stop by and say hello
I’d welcome you gladly into my heart
I’m home most of the time

You know where that is I’m sure.
Though it is sometimes hard to find.
Try not to get lost on your way

Until then I’ll be fine
Don’t worry about me
I’ll find something else to do with my time
Maybe read a book or see a play.
Go for a walk, or take a nap.
Time alone can sooth the soul

Its true with you around
I was clouded and unsure
Afraid to jump
Or fight for something more

So I will shake you
I will heal
I’ll miss you while you’re gone
But our next meeting will be much sweeter

I just hope I can handle the separation.
It won’t be easy
Giving you up, letting go

But it’s not the end. Just a still in motion
A pause in acquaintance
While my heart settles on its own
Without you around to screw with its dreaming

I don’t think it will be as bad as it seems
Everything will be all right.

We’ll see each other again I know.
On the street or at the park.
It’ll happen when I least expect it
And it will be the best reunion you’ve ever seen

Maybe not spectacular or awe-inspiring
But it will be lovely in a way.
That’s all I’ll try not to hope for.

Because that too, is holding me down.
Silly hopes, getting stuck in my mind.

I might not keep in touch
For fear of getting sucked back in
And I’ll try not to think of how you’re doing
It will hurt a little too much

Maybe next time we meet
I’ll be older, wiser…
More deserving of your attention.
But right now,
I just need you out of my system.

NOTE: I lied when I said this wasn’t about you. Mostly because I was angry at myself for needing to write it in the first place