February 21st, 2011–Day Twenty-Seven

I always hate it when I speak too soon or at least speak to the wrong person.

A guy asked me on a date. A good friend actually. A casual date like I, if you remember, said recently wanted. It caught me off guard because it just, I’d never thought of him in that manner.

You probably don’t want to hear this.

I don’t know how I feel about it. I said I wanted a date but this is a little soon to actually jump into ┬áit. It could be the guy. We’re such good friends–it’s weird. But then I thought, why not? It could work out.

“Eventually feels a lot differently than actually” -Grey’s Anatomy

I told him I’d think about it. Maybe that is something you’d harp on. My processing. It’s frustrating to me too. It’s stupid for me to talk about it I suppose.

Now I feel bad for even mentioning it. Just forget about it. I’m such a hypocrite this way.

___________________

I still can’t seem to let you go. You’re always with me. I feel you constantly. Are we always goin to be so connected like this? There’s no closure. No sense of ending, I still wonder if you’re okay. I want to ask ______________ but maybe you don’t want me to know. Maybe that’s too much to ask. I still want to know.

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February 20th, 2011–Day Twenty-Six

It’s still snowing, a lot. Its’ kind of peaceful if you don’t think about the apocalypse type possibility of snow forever and beyond. If I liked being cold I’d go out and sit directly in it. I’m just not in the mood for winter today…

but hello sunshine–brief but lovely.

Do you like snow? I can’t remember. I think you do…I’m starting to lose the little things about you, not all of them, just whether if you like snow or not. You lived in Minnesota so it’s a pretty good guess the you do, and the conversations we had way back when.

Hmm…How are you? How’s school?

I hope you’re doing well.

February 18th, 2018–A Playlist

  1. I Don’t Think About You-Kelly Clarkson
  2. Heartbreak-Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors
  3. Praying-Kesha
  4. Somebody That I Used to Know-Goyte & Kimbra
  5. She Used to be Mine-Sara Bareilles
  6. When We Were Young-Adele
  7. Landslide-Dixie Chicks
  8. Burning House-Cam
  9. Send My Love (To Your New Lover)-Adele
  10. Chainsaw-The Band Perry

It’s always a mixed bag.

 

I’m angry at you for doing it.

I’m angry at me for falling for it.

But unlike so many times before…forgiveness is easier. There is no reason to stew in this. There is no reason to react at all. All I can do is hope that we’ve both grown up enough to just let it go.

Because ultimately, this changes nothing.

February 18th, 2011–Day Twenty-Four

THere’s so much I feel I need to tell you. I don’t know where to start. There wasn’t any life altering happenings today–but I was busy.

I suppose first I should say that I had one of those moments today. That moment when I think about how we used to be, how you affected me. I was driving to the middle school for my observation and a song came on my CD. I think it was Fallin’ For You by Colbie Caillat. In the second verse she sings about dancing and my soul shook. I physically reacted, recoiled at the memory of you and I so close. I remembered how much I had wanted you then, briefly wondered if you had felt the same.

Not though I remember that hours later you and I were lying on your bed and I knew at that moment you weren’t in it as much as I was.

Pins and needles attacked my skin and you were too tired to talk. The urgency I felt was not within you.

Boy could you dance. You made me want to be better–I wanted to impress you. But those moments in which you told me I was thinking too much–a kind pice of advice to most, never really helped, it only made me more critical of myself.

I never wanted our dancing to be prefect, messing up was half the fun–if only we could have laughed about it more.

I guess the dancing was some kind of metaphor for us though. You always telling me to not think so much, me on edge to be good enough. Not enough laughing over our mistakes, but there were moments of beauty too, especially at first.

There were times when we were so in sync. I just, miss that.

Today while at the middle school, any 8th grader inspired me. She is an aspiring photographer and she showed me her website. She is extremely talented. It challenged me to do something about my art. I went back to that blog I had created last summer and hadn’t touched since August.

I had forgotten that I still followed your happiness blog. You had made several updates since I was on last. You posted one day in December. The title was “Tell Them ‘I Love You'”

I’m no longer foolish enough to blindly assume you were thinking of me when giving this advice. For the most part, I agreed with what you said. If you love someone, you should tell them.

The problem I face appears in your closing quote by Little Manhattan which states…

“Suddenly I knew what I had to do. Love isn’t about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love I about finding courage inside of you that you didn’t even know was there.”

I didn’t fall for you because of any grand gestures or world-wide announcements. It was in the late night calls just to say goodnight. It was in the handwritten letters of the platypus you made me–the heart on its fin.

I thought for a long time that big actions were love –chalk it up to Disney and literature influencing the ideal. I wanted a knight in shining armor, but looking back not only on how I feel for you, but how I’ve fallen for any guy, it was always the little things that I loved and cherished the most. I don’t want the bells and whistles. I want the real thing, so I can trust it.

Life is not like the movies–I don’t want it to be because when it comes down to it, life is so much better. We fall in love because of the little things so we should express out love through them too.

But I know how you are so you’ll probably fight me on this. It’s one of those things that separates us I suppose. I don’t know what to do about that.

February 17th, 2011–Day Twenty-Three

I miss that feeling of freedom I used to have, it went along with this great happiness and excitement for life. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. The only time I really have was with ___________. I saw hime over winter break. We had coffee–caught up with each other’s lives. He’s going into the Peace Corps after graduating in May. He’s always had this fire for life and exploration.

I arrived to that meeting still holding out for him a little, because he’s always made me feel like I could do anything. He gave me possibilities. By the time we went our separate ways, I let go of the idea of us being anything more than occasional friends because he’s _____________ and he gave me something to strive for.

I don’t really know what I felt the need to tell you this. You probably would prefer me to avoid mentioning boys I have been involved with, but you wanted me to be honest, to tell you what I’m thinking. That involves boys that I may or may not have inclinations toward loving.

Full disclosure at its best.

I’m starting to feel more free though. These days are a little brighter and I’ve felt better about things in general. Don’t get me wrong, your absence still hurts me. Your lack of apology to the crimes I’ve mentioned still stings. I cannot recall you ever apologizing for throwing me off balance and disregarding my side of this fiasco.

Did you? I honestly can’t remember. Are you sorry at all? Or have you justified insanity in the name of love? Because I know how romantic you are–everything is okay if you’re in love, right?

You blamed me for believing I could do no wrong because you loved me. But in fact I was terrified at any moment you wouldn’t anymore, call me insecure but I never took your love for granted, rather I didn’t understand how you could.

If, however, I did think nothing I did could change your love…isn’t that just as bad as you using love as your excuse to drop in unannounced, to be furious when I couldn’t handle the situation, to yell at me via email for needing a break to figure things out, for continually changing your mind for not listening to me when I said I was broken. Just because you love me, doesn’t make everything you do heroic, or right.

The silly thing is, rarely but sometimes, I hear my phone go off and I briefly wonder if it’s you. It never is, and it probably never will be, but the thought still shakes me and I think…maybe, just maybe this could be our second chance. And then I remember you’re probably more stubborn than me so you won’t be the one to break this silence. No matter what. And I honestly don’t know how I feel about that.