Proof

362 emails.
Countless old random facebook wall posts.
4 pictures, maybe.
An amateur’s album worth of heartbreak songs.
One youtube video.

The only evidence I ever loved you.

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The Last Poem

I still think of you constantly.

What’s the weather like where you are?
It’s freezing here.

I no longer wonder if you wear that scarf I made you.
But I hope you do.

I have a playlist of over 300 songs
that sound like you, and me,
and late night conversations about a future we’ll never have,
and a past I’m still learning to let go of.

Apologies itch at my bones at night.
My fingers claw at forgiveness,
they scratch until hope is buried underneath my nails.

I wish it were as easy as saying sorry.
Life just doesn’t work that way.

I saw some rubber ducks in the toy store.
I managed to leave before the tears hit my cheeks.
Just barely though.

There are so many things I wish I could have done with you.

I bought a nerd rope for the first time in years
and it tasted the way your eyes spoke volumes
and it crunched against my teeth like Morse code scavenger hunts

I’m not okay.

I collect regrets like starburst wrappers.
The first regret being that I never heard you play the accordion.
The second–that I’ll never know what your lips taste like.

I didn’t love you the way you wanted me to.
But I did love you.

I don’t send these emails
because that would make me just as selfish as you.

I’ve been having more panic attacks lately.
Sometimes, I’m afraid to fall asleep.

The end of the world.
Death.
Never seeing you again.
They feel the same to me.

I used to cry about it in the shower.
Now I don’t cry at all.

How do you fall asleep at night?
Is your bed big enough for two?
Could I come share my nightmares with you?

I never wanted to be the reason your heart broke.

I wish you weren’t the reason I still feel broken.

Please stop haunting me.

Yesterday

If it’s any consolation,
I’m trying to be better than the person I was yesterday.

The day we broke each other
because one of us was too much
and the other wasn’t enough…

It’s funny now I can’t remember who was who
or what was what
or why I woke up this morning
without your calloused hands tangled in my disheveled hair.

Tomorrow will be the same.

I’ll spend it wondering
if anything you said was true.
If maybe I really did want to live in a movie,
I just didn’t want my co-star to be you.

If maybe you were wrong about me
no. you were definitely wrong.
but so was I.

I guess we’re both made of lies.

Yesterday knows too much
and tomorrow shivers with anticipation
that it will be forced to succumb
to the chaos of a broken heart.

All I can do
is take one step at a time and
walk away from the yesterday
when I was in love with you

And learn that I am better
than who you think I am.

Okay, Now It’s Just Sad

Stop telling me how sorry you are
and how you’ve finally realized just how badly you fucked up.
I don’t want your apologies.

Because I don’t believe them anymore.
They are just words,
so that you can feel better about yourself.
They certainly are not for my benefit.

And that’s fine,
if it helps you sleep at night…

I know the catharsis of sewing sentences
into the crooks of your elbows
and tattooing confessions on your shoulder blades

Write a thousand letters,
but please don’t send them to me.

Keep them in a box,
burn them with a lighter
throw them in the trash
send them to Post Secret
write poetry about your agony

Write until you can no longer bleed.
Just don’t leave the bloodstains on me.
I have enough of my own already.

Forgive yourself.

Don’t look to me for approval.
You won’t find it.

Don’t say shit like,
you’ll never be over me
and you’ll always be here
just in case I change my mind.

You’ll get over me only if you want to,
if you put in the effort to move on.
I’ll tell you it won’t be easy,
but it is possible.

You aren’t here.
I don’t want you here.
And some day you’ll resent staying
because I’m not going to change my mind.
Don’t waste your time on me.

Stop telling me things will be different.
They won’t.
We’ll both end up right back here,
bitter and angry
wishing things could have worked out different.

Stop making promises
we both know you can’t keep.

Refuse to be stuck in this place of grief and madness
don’t think for one second
I’ll come around and save you…
you have to save yourself.

That’s something you taught me

All That’s Left is Fear

I’m afraid to think about you.
I’m afraid to mention you.
I’m afraid to write about what you did to me.
I’m afraid to leave my house.
I’m afraid to look in the wrong direction.
I’m afraid to laugh.
I’m afraid to let other people in.

I’m afraid to love myself because you made me believe
I’ll never be good enough.

I’m afraid you’ll show up on my doorstep again
demanding that I love you.

And I’m afraid you’ll never accept that I don’t.

And I’m terrified it will push you over the edge,
and everything will hurt all over again.