February 2nd, 2011–Day Eight

A somewhat small confession: I look at your Facebook page every once in a while. Just a few times since we talked, just to see how you are.

I realize it’s none of my business anymore. I keep reminding myself of that, and it’s not like Facebook gives me much to go on, but just now, when I was noticing your new profile picture and the new friends you’ve made…for the first time I felt genuine happiness for you.

I couldn’t help but notice you’d met a girl and she asked how you hadn’t been friends on Facebook before. You made one of your fantastic replies I used to fawn over. And she said “Wow. That is great.” (Which I now remember was a response you deemed as insufficient from me…how fucking ironic).

I don’t know the story behind you and her. You may have known each other for a long time or just days. Like I said, it’s not really my business–but I thought for a moment, if this girl was good for you, if you fell for her. I would be happy for you. I wasn’t strangely jealous at just the thought of you with someone else.

Because even when I was angry and beyond words, I couldn’t handle that thought. Selfishly so. I didn’t understand the feeling because I knew my feelings were not romantic, but I still felt that pull–that possibility of those feelings coming back.

That didn’t mean I thought I was invincible in terms of you loving me, in anything I was terrified you’d get over me at any second and realize I wasn’t worth anything because I couldn’t handle this at all. That has always been my worst fear. That I wouldn’t be worthy of your love (or your time).

But at least for a moment I was selfless in my hopes for you. Regardless of reality, the idea of you being happy with someone else didn’t pain me. It gave me hope that we’ll both learn and grow from this. That some day, I can call you up and we can “forget” old wounds because we’ve both had time to heal.

I still hold to what I said last year. I just want you to be happy. And I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy.

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you.

-The Cure

You’ll probably be mad at this entire revelation, take it out of context–the basics: For a moment, longer even, I knew things would be okay because underneath everything, I still care about you. And I’m finally in a place where I can separate my depression and you. That sounds wrong too…I think I’m taking care of myself well enough that it’s not selfish anymore—-I’ll stop trying to explain myself. It’s not getting me anywhere…

I’ve already broken my own rule when it comes to writing about you. I wrote a poem outside of this well hidden box.

You managed to escape onto my computer screen for a moment and I wrote a poem. It’s relatively short, fairly simple. It’s funny because that first night when I called my sister sobbing after we talked. She said I’d get through this. I’d talk about it, I’d write about it and, at that moment I couldn’t fathom putting how I felt into words, into some kind of art because all I felt was pain and remorse–nothing beautiful that had potential to heal.

I couldn’t immortalize that night in poetry or prose or any literature. I just wanted to forget, to not feel it. But here I am, over a week later–writing recreationally about how I miss you. It may have taken months, but I do miss you.

 

Empty

I honestly don’t know what to say anymore.
You’ve taken everything I thought I kept safe.
But unlike you,
who gave yourself to me freely, without hesitation
The few parts I had kept for myself
were taken recklessly,
without asking,
without thinking of the consequences.
So without knowing it,
I have become just as empty as you
Is there a chance we could fill each other back up?

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One Last Thing…

One Last Thing…
…before I leave.

In the simplest terms I know,
I have to do this.
Someone has to end this vicious cycle.
I suppose it should be me.

Not for lack of desire to stay,
Or arrogance, or pride in
Being the one to walk away.

I never thought I’d be the one to end it.
But here I am.
A few feet beyond,
My feet facing toward a new road
My heart staring back at what once was

And it’s a path laid with disaster.

I used to think it was beautiful
How you and I would love,
But we played the game too hard…
Too fast…
Too soon…

And it was always just a little too late.

In your silence I heard my worst fears
Come whispering out of the winter wind.
A melancholy ache ebbed through my bones,
And eight months later I finally knew,
Just what it meant to fear you

And all the things it’s possible for you to do

There came a moment
Not long after we last spoke…
When I had to make a choice,
And I chose to let go,
Rather than cause more pain
For both of us.

I’m not bitter or cynical—
I’m just…
Done.

This is the last goodbye.
We’re both better off, I think.

I won’t write to you anymore.
Because I know how much it hurts you,
And I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you
I had the best of intentions,
Though some times they weren’t enough.

And I’ve made peace with that.

And in case you’re wondering…
I’m much better now.
I still have my moments,
But things are looking up.
I’m healing, ever so slightly

No doubt I’ll still think of you
From time to time,
Wonder how you’re doing,
And if I ever cross your mind.

If I do,
Try not to be angry
Although I’m sure you are.
Don’t let it overtake you.

There’s probably more to say,
But brevity might be better.
So simply put, I have to say…

I wish you all the happiness in the world.
You’ve changed my life
And I will never forget you.

Peace is all I have to offer you now.

Of Course I Want You

Of course I want you,
I’ve always wanted you
Before I even met you I wanted you…
To crawl under the covers and lose yourself to me
To call me late at night just to hear my voice
To wake me up at the crack of dawn to eat breakfast
while watching the world shake off its slumber and come alive
To stop thinking I would ever abandon you
To tell me the truth, even if it hurt (and it hurts like hell)
To give me the benefit of the doubt.
To just believe in me
To stop making everything about you
To accept that sometimes I’m sad for no reason
And to hold me when I am,
To wait out the storm with me
Instead of stirring it more.

Of course I want you,
I’m always going to
Even when you hurt me
Even when I’d be better off without you
Even though I know it hurts you
Even if I want someone else
Because desire doesn’t give a fuck about
Logic and
Pain and
Whether I can trust you or not.
It does what it wants regardless
Of what is best,
Regardless of if you deserve my yearning
Regardless of the fact I tell myself every day
that we’re not friends for a reason, for so many reasons
my heart still aches regardless.

Because of course I want you
But that doesn’t change the situation
It doesn’t magically heal the festering wounds
we’ve both been nursing.
It doesn’t mean I’ll ever trust you with my heart again.
It doesn’t mean I want to abandon the one good thing in my life

Because I want him too.
In a way I still don’t fully understand.
In a way that scares me more than you ever did.
He deserves so much more,
But I want him anyway.

But of course I want you too.
I want more from you,
I deserve more than what you gave me in the end.
I want those moments your fear stole from me.
I want your words,
Your desperation
The touch of your hand in condolence to what we’ve lost.

All I have
are ghosts hidden just inside the shadows
an email apology
and the first stains of regret.

For so long
all I wanted was you.
I think I always will.

Desire just isn’t enough.

That Song…

I thought of you for 3 minutes and 49 seconds today
when that dreadfully beautiful song came on the radio

Your name crawled slowly across the outskirts of my brain
trying to find another way in
than all the other entrances you had made
before I blocked them into half-hearted obscurity.

The drumming piano intro skipped the beat of my heart
and went straight to my gut instinct to rip the stereo out
before things got serious
that’s where you always stood
straddling the line between a hopeful child
and an over-thinking man
too serious to just let love happen

and I was just foolish for you
captivated by the duplicity in your smile
the way you’d kiss my name against your lips

and I was jealous of a word so attached to me
because you never kissed me
not when I really wanted you to.

I coaxed myself into accepting this invasion
of my ear drums as they pounded the sound
of my ever-present failings in the love department
into the very core of me

Somewhere only we know?

Where is that
now that we have fallen into
this drab farewell
of feelings once so strong?

I’ve forgotten how to get there
no gas in my car because
I’m a poor ass college student
with loans coming out my fingertips
that once ran through your hair
as we danced the night away

that night you swayed right into a heart
I tried so hard not to file away as yours.

No, I don’t want to talk about it
because it hurts too much
it always hurts
not just for 3 minutes and 49 seconds

all the time

it hurts all the time.

Degrees

I keep wondering about what
separates you and I
besides distance and horrible timing
and all those arguments

for a long time we were the same
so in sync
so intertwined, despite the miles.

Now I worry of those six people
those six degrees
that keep us close
that could unravel every memory
if I walked along its path back to you.

Is there a route I don’t know about?
Is there a way you could find your way back into my life?

I hope there isn’t.

I Don’t Care that You Have a Girlfriend

I don’t care that you have a girlfriend
It was never my intention
to fall in love with you again
cause you and I both know we will never work

Cause you get mad when I do nothing
and I get sad when you say I’m not enough

I don’t care that you have a girlfriend
but I’m wishing her the best of luck
cause you drove me crazy
with your absurd idealistic romanticism

Cause you don’t know what it’s like to love you
And I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea

but here we are and you have a girlfriend
I guess that’s nice for you and for her
I hope you’re really happy
but honestly I couldn’t care less

Cause you’re not the one I dream of anymore
and I’m not the girl you thought you knew before

In case you haven’t notice I’ve moved on
and it would be nice if you could do the same
and forget we loved at all

And thanks for asking if I have a boyfriend
yes I think I’m falling for him

So I don’t care that you have a girlfriend
I didn’t actually ask.

A Thought Inside My Head

Melodic misconceptions mount a mistaken memory
like I can’t breathe for some other reason than you’re not here with me

what a strange feeling to not notice the absence of your body…
because my body is lost in a super sonic catalytic hormonal rage
but it’s not within me,
rather outside of me

so beyond me that I almost can’t see.

Free from pergury,
and rabid thoughts echo like my eyes on your face in the middle of a winter’s night when love didn’t feel so foolish and unreal.
I slow down
just a pace to wait for you to run away from the scattered paintings we tarnished in our race to fall,
our need to want.

Down the hill I tumble.
Facing the intrepid dreams I forgot I had when I was in your arms
They laugh at me with such rebellious desire
and all I wanted was to hold you
in my arms
in my head
in my heart
where you were safe from those who spoiled in your torment.

They ravaged in our defeat, convincing us how love’s death is all but sweet.
I fail to wonder at your retreat, it hurts just enough to notice but not enough…

And I don’t know what I’m saying. Love is abandoned, reckless. not for me.
I could never be so reckless as to know it, as it lives inside myself.
Unleash it from it’s prior hold on touch, feel, –> need.

Is it not possible to have everything? To know content beyond a moment in time? Because I have not felt peace like you
have not felt joy like dozens and dozens of sun rays hitting my skin at the speed of light.
have not felt love like stargazing under a sheet of clouds
wrapped up in some warmth you crocheted from broken aspects of my soul

and I’ve never felt the ocean’s touch, if only to feel it dragged away from me
my patience in assurance struggles to sustain
itself in fantastical short breaths
leaving me hyperventilating on a staircase of maybes and almosts.

but oxygen,
not you,
becomes my savior.

my absolute truth beyond all costs of blatant favoritism. and I am relieved at your ambivalence to my regard on how to raise the children of my thoughts.
because I cannot seem to nurture them. Not as they should be. Parenting eluding me in multiples of infinity. so I can’t, but nothing.

The sound of your voice. laughing in my head
sends spiraling synonyms southbound to my shins
that’s where I feel you most,
as the muscle splits, splints into tiny ragged parts of my stance
where I can’t run after anything I shouldn’t want.

and no I will not fight, battle cry across the stars for someone slightly more interested in self prophetic statements like “I will love you forever” than in actually loving me
right now
in this moment
when it matters most.

Between the Lines

My eyes glued to those words my own fingers typed.
Waiting for a moment, waiting for a sign.
Because you loved the twist or something within this

And I’m searching my own head
to find whatever it is that you’ve been looking for

It’s gotta be in between the lines it seems
To make you wanna be with me
We just can’t see it
We just can’t see it

I have all these metaphors and similes
ready at hand to describe the ways we feel
but some are too lavish and some not lavish enough

You know how that is though
chasing words to capture a moment

It’s in between the lines somewhere
just outside the words
that won’t mean anything without you here
without you here

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts
as I suppose it always has.
Yet tonight,
it aches slightly more.

Unlike most things,
it is hard to say the cause
of such distress.

In my attempt to express these notions though,
I suppose it would be fair to say,
that passion has proceeded ability.

You see, I love you
but I can’t be with you.

Not altogether impossible,
only highly discouraged by sense.

Even today finds me painfully aware of the distance
not only in miles,
but in how our souls have separated
and now a chasm sits between us.

I called out to you once,
asking for a bridge or a plane
and it seemed to me you said,
“why bother?”
but I couldn’t quite hear
so I jumped anyway.

Within Punctuation

I long for something more
than just your gallantry
Your only fear of breaking
the heart that isn’t yours to break <yet.>

You cannot think me a fool to hope
You cannot know me to be lost within a torture

Blame to blame
(Who is to blame)
For such silly games a heart can play?

Illusions of a moment in your arms
May hurt me more then if you’d pull away.
<Please could you just stay?>

Only for a stay against that loss
Only to know I wasn’t imagining

<The feel of you>
oh the feel of you…

To feel you is to lose you
To lose you is to break apart
To break apart is the action of a foolish heart

(But that is all I’ve ever been to you)

And it keeps happening.
Again.
<&>
Again.
<&>
Again.

And I’m just…done.

And even that.
A lie.
White as snow.

It’s a perpetual want/need/
Catastrophic
downfall
of my heart
Only plummeting for things I’m not allowed to have.

If only for no such distance
–But that is all it is–
A span of space between your heart and mine
Whether in figure, rhyme, or driving time

Wishing would not help
Yelling changes nothing
Crying only makes it worse

So I sit.

“Wait”

That’s all I can do.
Try not to hold onto a hope,
A hope that something changes you.

You keep asking what’s on my mind
That shouldn’t be the object,
But rather what’s in my heart.
Which I could not profess within this moment
The fluid changes of a confused feeling

To love you more than what is possible in return
<Or >
To settle for what I know will never be enough

There is no pain
There is no feeling
Emptiness parallels desire

Two separate parents of my soul.
–Neither one satisfied–
But what’s the use of wanting?
What’s the use of falling?
Except that everything is you.