So the rough draft is finished…

Advertisements

Sitting with a Ghost

As I go back through all these words and phrases it feels the same as it did when I wrote them. Except there is glass in between the feeling and me.

I remember it. The feeling is familiar and substantial. But I can’t quite touch it.

It’s odd, and I’m almost upset by the fact that I am, in a way, disconnected from the experience. Like it really was a dream I made up. And I have to remind myself that it was real. It really happened. It’s not just a story I tell people when they ask about my first love.

Your ghost doesn’t come to dinner as often anymore, but when he does…it’s not as visceral. Which is the oddest part, because for so long there was nothing but you. And now it’s everything but.

The one thing that remains true…I’m still not sure I want the world to know my story, because it still tastes an awful lot like you.

A Note from the Poet

So I think it may be time. I think I’ve got it all out in the open now. I held nothing back–at least everything that’s important is there.

I’m still contemplating full publication.

I have a few reservations–none that will likely push me to leave it as is. But still. I want to do it justice in the end. And that takes time.

I probably won’t post anything new for a while. but there’s plenty here if you need a moment to read about the parade.

That’s all it is, a parade.

A small one-singular and yet intricate.

He’ll know what it’s about. But he’ll probably misinterpret anyway.

And you can rest assured. I’ll get my clean slate–until the next time I have something to say.

March 8th, 2011-Day Forty-Two

Today I woke up feeling much better than yesterday. You’re usually right when it comes to that theory. Sleep does help the mood usually. I was singing ” oh what I beautiful morning” on my way to class. I don’t really know why. It just happened.

But now I can’t remember if I locked my car or not…now it’s all I can think about. I have this weird feeling it’s going to get stolen or broken into. Gah.

Concerning you, today I’m neutral. Neither here nor there about it. Which is a much better scenario than most other possibilities. I think this is what I prefer actually. It’s simple and undramatic. You’re still constantly on my mind though. That’s practically a given. If only being in your life could be so easy.

“If you could be in my life like you’ve been on my mind, it’s be so easy.” -Schyler Fisk (“Hello”)

That song fits perfectly for us, at least this day anyway.

It’s a beautiful day outside. One of the best we’ve had in months I think. I”m sure you’d love it. Still chilly but sunny with only a few clouds scattered in the sky. These are the days I remember why I love this town so much.

I can’t believe I’ll be leaving this place in only a few months. Some days I with I wasn’t. I really do love it, but I”m learning that I must sacrifice a lot of what I want to get what I need. So I’m going to live with my parents while I student teach. I think I told you that at some point. I’m excited to be home–spend time with friends I rarely see during the year. It’ll be good, but I will miss this.

I started a blog for my photography. I’m going after it, just like you always told me I should. It’s a small step toward running my own business but it’s still a step nonetheless.

I just wish I had more time I suppose that is how it will always be though.

My life hasn’t stopped. I just want you to know that I am moving forward–I am getting better. I am trying to get out of my funk. I am trying to be a better version of myself, not for you, but for me.

____________

Don’t know where to put you anymore
You can’t be kept inside my dresser drawer
I find the pieces of you in my dreams
And in the evenings
Spill out the edge of my mind.
Memories of you feel like they’re miles wide
It’s all I can do to get to the other side
Of these evenings

I’ll see you tonight in the back of my mind
When I remember your skin like I remembered it then
When you would dress me in white with the look in your eyes
Knew you’d love me forever
Before I ever knew better

Can’t see myself back beside you
But I see nobody else
Nobody’s perfect but I’m perfectly happy to keep on
Bringing this love down off the shelf.

I’ll see you tonight in the back of my mind
When I remember your skin like I remembered it then
When you would dress me in white with the look in your eyes
Knew you’d love me forever
Before I ever knew..

Better off, I couldn’t say if I’d be better off without a love I live without anyway
Better off, oooh. Who knows? See you tonight.
Before I ever knew better

-Sara Barielles

February 4th, 2011–Day Ten

I went to bed early last night–got plenty of sleep. I woke up happy. I haven’t done much, but it’s a good day anyway. I watched last night’s Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve missed that show lately. It always makes me feel good. I wonder if you watched it. I know you like the show…

These are the days you should have seen (been a part of) the last six months, but they were few and far between.

I’m going to work soon. We’re meeting about that conference I go to every year. It’s very exciting I think, one of my favorite parts of the year.

It’s nice having something to look forward to. Gives me hope. Things are looking up.


Al sent me a package today. In it she left a quote, it said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

From this day on I refuse to let you, or anyone else, make me feel like I’m not enough00like I’m a bad person. I made plenty of mistakes but I was just trying to protect myself. That doesn’t make me a bad person.

Neither of us is perfect. I wish you’d own up to your part in this without pulling the “I’m in love with you” card. We were friends. That’s how you and I both should have acted. Just because you’re in love with me doesn’t give you the right to do what you did. I’m sure it was romantic, but I didn’t ask for it. I wasn’t prepared.

January 27th, 2011–Day Two

My life has become a series of steps without you.

  1. Wake up.
  2. Get out of bed
  3. Start the shower
    1. Shampoo
    2. Condition
    3. Body wash

(and then it take me another few minutes to turn the water off, so I just stand there–turning the dial hotter just to see how much I can take)

  1. Get dressed
  2. Wash my face
  3. Dry my hair
  4. Eating has become my real problem though–so breakfast is apparently optional.

My days always start this way. I have to get through each moment. It hurts to think too far in the future even tonight is blurry. How am I supposed to go on now that you’ve made my flaws clear? You’ve condemned my good name. I feel wretched. What’s the fucking point of living if I’m only going to hurt the people I love? That’s where I’m at right now. And I’m trying so hard not to blame you for those thoughts but like everything else, it’s bloody difficult not to.

I’m still angry, I’m still hurt. I’m still sad and I’m still guilty of all the things you accused me of. I’m still not good enough, strong enough. And yes that does make you a jackass, but what I’ve done is just as bad.

I knew I couldn’t wake up and be all better–wash my sins away. It never works like that except in movies. I’m sorry I can’t give you a Hollywood ending.

Tears–the ones I cried that first night, before, but mostly after we hung up, were heavy. I thought they were filled with relief. At least I hoped they were. I hoped the act of shedding, claiming these salt stained lines on my cheeks and blotchy red eyes–empty would take this weight off me. I was wrong.

I fell asleep still heaving dry sobs softly. Guilt hung over me as I slept. It sank into my sheets, kept me warm.

It seems you were unaffected by this though, and I wonder if you mourn this as much as I do, but what you do is no longer my business. I might never know.

You were beautiful as I knew you–when I was in love with you. But I don’t know you anymore, that was always my fault. Never yours. You always gave yourself freely. just more fearlessly than I. I held back amongst my own fear. That is my tragic flaw, and I’ll take the time to relate myself to Hamlet (I am an English major after all). He was afraid to act, as am I. And we’ve both been so weak as to contemplate suicide, or in philosophical conversations we are too nauseous to comprehend the disaster that our lives have become.

But I’m pretty sure my story won’t end in such mass casualty, I certainly hope not.

Your flaw–that gorgeous romanticism that drives you forward.

This may mean nothing at this point, but I always had the best of intentions when it came to you. And I still care about you. No matter what, I hope you’re happy and that you get all the things you want.